Aargh! Right now, it is a bit awkward … At the same time, everything is just as it should.
Strange paradox it there, but I'm getting the van eventually: the feeling to feel completely confident with to feel crappy. To know that what I feel needs to be felt. To the phase of motighet I am in, must exist. To admit it before myself, be in it until it will pass by itself, rather than try to escape the discomfort through various escape behaviors.
The experience of the paradox is further enhanced by that I am so grateful. My life is GOOD. The setbacks I experience is that burp in space. Never before have I been able to enjoy and appreciate the beauty in my life as much as I can now.
But-I am not right now revel in happiness, but in misery-misery:-).
It's amazing, it's horrible: my children have grown up and left home. For real. I am absolutely clear that an era is over and a new one begins. The realization becomes jarring crystal clear now when last man has left little Grebbestad for studies in Uppsala. The. Has. Moved. Gone. Good bye. So long, and thanks for all the fish (quotes from the Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy)
The feeling is so pervasive. Now that Luke, who was last out, had gone, it was like his move also enabled it I felt around the siblings fled before him. As if their moves not quite registered in my emotional life because there was one offspring remain in the nest. Now all have moved to cities far away. It is unlikely any of my children returning to everyday life in Grebbestad on a considerable amount of time. If ever.
And that realization begins to seep in. Now it's me and my life. I'm not in the standby state anymore. Of course I exist for them when they need me, but not in the same way as when they lived here.
It makes jätteont. It cuts deeply through all my personality inventory. Who am I now? Where should I direct my mommy radar? Do I even need a Mommy radar turned on? Is it possible to put it in standby, perhaps?
It's incredibly awesome. Wow! They have done it! They fly now, everyone! They are their own now; sumptuous, competent, strong. I am proud so I burst, and infinitely grateful to have shared everyday life with them for so many years. That much I learned thanks to them < 3! Good luck beautiful children! Go for it!
And so it was this to jump out into the deep water. Nothing can be easy or simple. Or so I just chose the wrong. There is a wide range of difficult circumstances. Anyway, I will not continue on marine biological line of the folk high school. Exhaustion struck again in full force. It is as if an invisible force topple over me as soon as I piled in way too quickly. Or in the wrong direction. BAM! So I lie there again. Can't think of a clear mind, not make decisions or planning ahead.
Right now I hang in a total vacuum. On all levels. Financially, professionally, spiritually, emotionally. The strange thing is that it doesn't scare me. I "should" be worried, troubled. At least. Instead I feel free. Freed.
So now I take the new tag. Rests. Drag the new threads. Formulate new visions. Vent new morning air.
And continue to enjoy being archipelagist < 3