Forest. Long walk with Tess. My senses are imbued with the smells, the colors, the moist air toward the cheeks and in the nostrils. The body feels heavy, painful and slow, it says I have to take it easy. I forces me to walk briskly, just to see how it will respond to my call. At some point I have to start training up my strength again. I would of course be working again! Researchers agree that it is important to increase the heart rate, get sweaty a little while each day. I have promised myself to walk briskly for at least 20 minutes a day. Last winter, I just walked slowly, really mindfullt as well. March, pancake, come on now, fight on!
It works, I'm stomping on clever in almost half an hour, while I try to concentrate on my breathing instead of on my eternally spinning thoughts, which are currently mainly is about how I'm going to support myself. Mattheten does not give way but gets not worse either, I don't sweat but your heart rate go up a little, so good.
Then we see the-squirrel. Tess first, of course. And a squirrel. We are standing, with the muzzles facing up against these Earth's masterful creations. So incredibly great small animals, those squirrels. The tjattrar, whizzing up the steps, jump to the next tree, looking intently at us.
And then you are out of luck as well. Forest impression takes over, and I swept with, in, away in the magic world. See each drop, every color cast, feel all the smells, everything becomes staggering, strong, wonderful and fatigue is blown away in the same moment.
While I allows me to take in this extravaganza, a small impression at a time, so flows the words, phrases, insights developed in a steady stream. As every time I'm alone in the outdoors and inside it into me.
Today said the insights that perhaps it is completely the wrong way to try to "come again" …
I have chronic fatigue syndrome. I find myself in a body which immediately sets itself crosswise as soon as I try to live up to my visions of "come again", i.e. on the old Kimsättet. The old Kimsättet consists mainly of performances of that supply, be efficient, creative, quality conscious, careful and forward. No matter what I do. And the notion that all this should result in money income.
This fine website I created for me is a manifestation of the old Kimsättet of thinking and organizing my life. A nice page, I am so proud that I have created all by himself. In preparation, containing all my visions of how I'm going to make money, then, when I'm healthy again. When energy levels sufficient for organizing part-time salary life combined with sailing trips, the quiet walks, photography, and freelance writing.
I was going to really give myself opportunities to cope with all that-the idea works great in my thoughts, my dreams. And I passed the course to create this page. But the rest …? As soon as I start to do, organize and plan, so is tight energy. As soon as my ideas are forced to relate to society's fast capriciousness so goes out the power. Dims down, before I even have come a little bit.
It feels like my old life, with everything I've learned, truths about what is true and false, does not exist anymore. I fumble completely into the unknown. New game rules apply, but I don't know who they are.
But in the meeting with a leaf of degradation, a hidden water mirroring or the sound of its paws to bark I live up. Then everything will be obvious. And I want to share with you the magic I feel!
Could it be that I should listen to its paws against the bark, instead to train for a return to the so-called rat race?
Could it be that the rat race can no longer perform its function?
Could it be that the squirrels must jump freely between the trees?
Could it be that the same applies to us humans?
Or am I a squirrel?
Hugs to you < 3